I want an arm to gnaw on

I want a hand to bite

I want to pretend I'm asleep

when I'm looking for a fight


I want to eat what you are eating

I don't want chicken

I want to go through every door

I don't know what I'm missing


I want to sit on your shoulder

while you are trying to read

I want to crawl up your legs

while you are brushing your teeth


I want to clean myself

like i've got OCD

I want to relieve myself

while you are in the vicinity


I want to go crazy

at least 15 times a day

and I want to be lazy

while you lot are earning your pay


Cat Melting

I'll not disturb you

My shouldercat

The sun reflecting

On your black furskin

The snow in the garden

Is slowly melting

But your feet are snowy

All year round



I gave my cat supermeat

now she's hanging from the ceiling

her big brown eyes

staring down at me


I checked the tin and it said

no noticeable side-effects

so I got out my step ladders

and took her to the vets


He tested her breathing and her heart rate

it seemed there was nothing really wrong

except she kept walking backwards

and she was unnaturally strong


Valentine's Day

For Valentine's Day

I fed you

Your favourite tin of tuna

Your tail was twitching with delight

I could tell by your purring

It was love at first bite


Asleep on the Radiator

a change of direction

while i was cooking my dinner

i thought you were asleep

but, no

you were just thinking things over



You're not the kind of cat

to travel in a basket

you can make do

with a blanket

because you want to see

all the speeding traffic

even though it scares you

just a little bit


I'd go as far as saying

you're hedonistic

you're always out looking

for the next hit

if its not Whiskers

then its kitten biscuits

there's nothing you won't try

except turkey, chicken or rabbit


Christmas Break

Where have you been

on your Christmas break?

did you find a shoulder

or perhaps a nice warm lap?

did they sing you any christmas songs?


It didn't take you long

to find your way back

to my shoulder cliff top

still just skin and bones

despite the mince pies


Your face is round

your whiskers are shorter on one side

and your coat is black and velvety


Your engine starts to hum

now you've found your favourite spot

in the shoulder top sun


Your eyes still reveal

a little kitten glow

that no Christmas could steal


Pretty soon winter will be over

and you'll have to deal with

all that serious cat stuff



My cat likes to juggle

She can do some pretty nice tricks

She's only been learning for two weeks

And she can already do 3 ball with her eyes shut

Yesterday I saw her on my window ledge

Doing columns and cat tennis

I don't expect that she'll be juggling with fire

Any day soon

But 4 paws at a time,

That's definitely in her realm



Emptying the cat litter

is like digging for treasure

except the prizes aren't the sort

you want to remember



These planets

never orbit the sun

they appear every two to three hours

from the Centre of Nico's Bum



Wednesday's chicken

Thursday's pea and ham

I don't work weekends

So I can only guess




I dreamt you were a tiger


You had a strange look in your eye

As I was opening the tuna





to floor


to bed

and upon my lap

I make my request:

noneed forclaws


My favourite Places

My favourite place

is the window ledge

in the midday sun

its nice and warm

and lots of fun


My favourite place

is under the sofa

when I'm feeling sleepy

I get nice and toasty

I can sit there for hours

by the bottom of the radiator


My favourite place

is on top of the records

i get really hyper

when i chew at the corners

I especially like 7 inches

My favourite place

is the back of the telly

i bite at the wires

and sometimes the shocks

make my legs feel like jelly


My favoutite place

is on Andrew's shoulders

I go up there

when I'm feeling much bolder

but i get really scared

when he stands up


My favourite place

after a meal

is the sandpit

though I only like going there

in private


Lost Cat

you're tray

left unlittered

your chicken and tuna

still on the shelf

a half-eaten bowl

is all that remains


the jumper you used to sleep on

still in your favourite place

on top of the radiator


no final words

no long goodbye's

I suppose that's

too much to ask for


you've gone out into the big wide world

now the streets are your's to roam

maybe you've found a new home

or maybe you've been hit by a bus

all i can do

is hope for the best